Thursday, December 4, 2008

Why the fuck are guns so bloody expensive?

Hmmm.

*rotates head from side to side, up and down, round and round*

It's been a while. And so much has happened in so little time.

My mood is, after a long, long, time, actually better. I'm in a genuinely good mood. Not happy, I wouldn't stretch it that far, but I'm not depressed.

It sucks not taking my pills, but I hate what they do to me. I can't write when I'm under medication. My mind seems one-dimensional, and I'm not used to that. You know, being all there. I've gone 21 years half-concentrating on 2 things or more at the same time, so popping those blasted things is the equivalent of emptying a magnum into my imagination point-blank. I feel dull, lifeless, suppressed. Like my mind's in a straitjacket. I need that creativity, I need that constant fluttering from one topic to another while nameless faces talk to mine in the hazy foreground. Which is why I never take my pills before a quiz, I need my fragmented mind for those Stage 2s and LVCs.
On the other hand, if I do stop taking them, my erratic mood swings come back. And for the past few weeks, they've been back with a vengeance. And that familiar feeling of wanting to kill myself every time I walked into college returned. So, I took some time off. I wish everybody was antisocial so I wouldn't have to keep explaining myself.

Anyhoo, it's passed. On to the blog post.

THIS IS WHY I WATCH TV

VH1 has dramatically revamped their video playlists. Sure, they still play crap for 80% of the time that I happen to flick past it, but I have noticed they're developing an inclination towards, dare I say it, an indie vibe. And they actually started playing good music. There's this show called Left of Centre or something like that that plays some bloody brilliant tracks. And today was the clincher. They played Thom Yorke's Harrowdown Hill. A week before, they had played the greatest music video ever, Radiohead's Just. Whoever is responsible for this paradigm shift, I salute you for your impeccable taste in music.
While we're on the subject of VH1, did anyone else chortle when Beyonce's new song came on? It's called If I Were a Boy, from her new album, I Am... Sasha Fierce. Based on what I could gather from her screaming, she was basically belting men (Ah, we're all jerks, deal with it, honey). But that's not the funny part. You know how VH1 obliges us with a title card at the start and ending of every video? This is how it read.

Beyonce Knowles
If I were a Boy
I am...

Muahahaha! They didn't include the Sasha Fierce bit! I wonder when they're gonna catch that.

And speaking of catch that, (you see how my mind flutters?) does anyone even listen to a Pussycat Dolls song anymore? I mean, when an outrageously hot woman surrounded by 4 skanky hos starts to sing, it's hard to keep track of the track. Wait. Ah, yes, that makes sense. Yes, it's hard to keep track of the track. But their latest song, (insert latest PCD song title here) has these, erm, lyrics. I'm not shitting you, I swear this is what it sounds like.

When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have boobies

Yes, they sing boobies! While this is gonna do wonders for the silicon industry in Beverly Hills, (I proofed a Dr 90210 episode last week at work) it's unfortunately also teaching a whole new generation of teenyboppers that big boobs = beautiful famous star. That's just the last str.... Wait. Why am I against this? I like boobies! I like big boobies! Sing, Nicole, keep singing! Sing till you're blue in the face! And doesn't she have small breasts? Now I'm just confused!
Speaking of confused!
I was left staggered, stunned and discombobulated all in one go, thanks to the crappiest show to ever grace our Indian airwaves. I don't know the name of the show, all I know is, it's in hindi, it comes on some regional channel, and it only airs at some unearthly hour like 3 or 4 am in the morning. (Bad insomnia, don't ask) I was idly surfing channels, and just happened to come across it. There was this obese, scary looking lady, showing off an obscene amount of cleavage, with about a zillion kilos of powder and makeup on, and she was pleading to the camera! In hindi! Now, my hindi sucks, but this was the gist of it.

Please friends, please call no? Just call the number on your screen, and you might be our lucky winner! One thousand rupees! (And just in case we didn't believe her, she brandished the promised ek hazaar rupiya like a Geisha's fan across the screen, and slowly at that, for added emphasis)
Just look at the nine panels (there were nine pictures behind her) and tell us which is an animal. (There was only one. A fricking royal bengal tiger. The very first bloody picture. The rest had shit like boats and chairs and vegetables)
Just call us with your answer, friends, and you can win one thousand rupees! Call the number on your screen now!

*pause (dead silence. She stares imploringly at the camera)

Pleeeease friends! Call no? At least for me you'll call no? For my sake? (Err.. wtf?) Please call, don't make me wait. See, no one has called yet! No one will win the one thousand rupees! (Geisha fan brandish) Just see, no, which panel behind me has an animal and call, no? Please friends! Do it for me!

*pause while she tosses her hair and shakes her tits, in a desperate attempt to work with what her mama gave her. (I bet her mom has four stomachs) (Incidentally, ladies, on behalf of my gender, I'd like to clarify. We stare at your breasts because we don't have any. And if you're attractive, we dutifully ignore your breasts and converse with your face instead. )

(What? We're men! You want me to lie to you instead?)

Anyway, this sorry scene dragged on for what seemed like an eternity, until some saint decided to spare the 3 people who were watching the show any more torture, and called up. You should have seen her face light up with joy. It was like seeing a 12 year old get her first period. He (unsurprisingly) was able to locate the tiger, and was rather gruff in his dismissal of her fervent thanks for calling up the show. Here's why it made it to my blog. The dude hung up, while she was in mid-sentence. BAHAHAHAHAHA! He didn't want the money! He wanted her to STFU! Oh, shite, I laughed till my stomach made funny noises!
She sheepishly (still brandishing her geisha fan) wound up the show, and walked, shaking, out of shot, leaving a full 30 seconds of dead air+empty set until the credits started to roll.

Honey, my advice to you? Never, ever, host anything in your life again. You're ugly, stupid, fat and inarticulate. The only thing you have going for you is your optimistic ambition to actually be something in life, which I sincerely applaud. No, sincerely, I'm not being mean, your burning desire to improve your station in life is truly commendable. That said, other than a career in Indian porn, you really have nowhere else to go. And take note, I said Indian porn. Not regular porn, which is what the rest of the world watches and enjoys. See, for that, you'd actually have to be attractive.

---Ondu shabda a day keeps the constable away---

New kannada datas!! Takeit twice!

Today's phrase is so popular, it's the new black. No, seriously, you can use this phrase absolutely anywhere in Bangalore, I mean, Bengaluru! (I'm learning!) Our chosen phrase of the day is Swalpa Adjust Maadi! Meaning, kindly adjust. When you see 4 giggling classmates who have purposely occupied your customary seat on the bench, simply swoop in from the rear, elbowing the corner girl onto the others, bellowing, swalpa adjust maadi! (Sorry if I hurt you that time, Cock) When you see 25 people frantically waving their hands in front of cheta-of-the-court's stall, all eager to get their nourishment before you do, merely wade through them, murmuring, swalpa adjust maadi, swalpa adjust maadi... Then, when you have triumphantly reached the counter, leaving evil glares and crushed toes in your wake, deposit your crisp ten rupee note in cheta-of-the-court's hand, and intone.... Cheta, oru oxyrich bottle.

It pays to be bilingual.

Polson, out.

*beep*

8 comments:

Anju said...

Hahahaha.. Oh man.. Polly this one is priceless!!

Brian 'Curmudgeon' Polson said...

Danke!

Anyanka said...

*applause*

Good one. :)

(we'll talk about the sexist in you later)

Update soonly!

MM said...

Boobies it is? I remember being part of a heated discussion in class, where we were trying to figure out if that was indeed what they were saying. Groupies. Booties. Rubies. So boobies it is. Wow. That's even better than "My humps, my humps my humps my humps. My lovely lady lumps, in the back and in the front."

Scary, the stuff that's on TV these days. We must keep the children safe we must!

And I relate to the insomnia. Totally.

Brian 'Curmudgeon' Polson said...

@KK - You only better update soonly.
@MM - Yes, considering you're up at 2 AM, you can definitely relate

MM said...

Fuck, yeah. Do you have a sleeping tablet or twenty?

Naik said...

Well, well ,well... Boobies need Boob Jackets, boob armours, boob shields.. et al. Dont they Brian? :P

Brian 'Curmudgeon' Polson said...

@MM - Well, I've found the best sleeping pill is to exhaust yourself by working 16 hr days. Remember those 3 isolated instances last semester when I actually came to class?
@Naik - Wait, I'll rickroll you with no mercy. And I see you still haven't posted with Google ID. Tsk tsk.